It's a trap!

This makes me laugh and feel like a nerd. ...Chase that feeling.

Dear Future,

Hello Future,

It's me, Bob. You know, Bob Chestnut? From the past... ring any bells with you? (Oh yes, I know that you still have bells.) I know a lot about you and I dare say that I'm undeniably disappointed in you. First of all, what everyone is asking, where are all the FLYING CARS?!!! I mean we gave you all the time in the world and you still come up with nothing?! Then what good are you? Why do I even bother to waste my time dreaming about you?! Laying down every minute, one by one, in anticipation of your 'blessed' arrival?!!!

Next up, moon/mars colonies. Wow. Can I say that you really blew that one? We learned a valuable lesson in our couple of weeks on the red planet, "It's all fun and games until we run clean out of oxygen." I wonder how you're gonna explain that one when 'all is said and done.'

Last, for today, Robot Holocaust. How many movies, man? Hundreds! Literally hundreds. All of which had one "subtle" message, "STAY THE HE** AWAY FROM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!!!" Why couldn't you just listen?! Learn from the past, Future!!!

This is not respectfully submitted,

Bob

I can't take it anymore!

Occasionally I get very excited for a movie to come out that I have no intention of seeing. It happens when I get tired of seeing the preview over and over again to the point that I want to claw my eyeballs out.

Adrien Brody, what have you done?

How to churn butter ...in your mouth

Platinum and palladium can both be used as catalysts in chemical reactions. The reactions remove double bonds from mono- and poly-unsaturated fats. So, I wonder if someone with a platinum grill could experience this phenomenon in their mouth. Could an individual with a mouth full of metal put a spoon (normal metal) of olive oil in their pie hole (lined with platinum) and have it congeal into saturated butter before it’s even swallowed? I’m not sure, but yes.

Shogun's Syndrome - Tears or Acid Rain?

Shogun Syndrome is a complex disorder, thus it would be impossible to name every single characteristic. There is, however, one symptom that is definitely worth mentioning, the inability to produce tears. Actually, more correctly put, the absence of tear production. Many believe this to be due to malformed tear ducts and glands, but they are grossly mistaken. A Shogun's tear ducts, like every other physical, mental, and spiritual aspect of the Shogun, are developed to utmost perfection. In fact, a Shogun's glands would likely produce tears that are super concentrated, with either sadness or joy, that could fire out of their ducts at the velocity of 'feeling' and 'caring' (proposed to break the sound barrier) (We don't know though, because we've never seen a Shogun cry, not even for the sake of science). Thus concentrated, their tears would burn their enemies as if acid. So, simply put, it is not that they cannot cry, but rather that they choose not to. And it is for your own good. And mine.

Shogun's Syndrome

I recently came to the conclusion that I "suffer" from a specific set of symptoms that can be collectively classified as a distinct complex, Shogun's Syndrome. The following are characteristics of myself and others with said syndrome.

An irrepressible desire for power.

Always ahead or in control of everyone, “You only think that because I wanted you to think that.” or, “It is raining because I want it to rain.”

Secretive. I probably should not even be talking about it.

Honor dictates that I keep my cool; maintain the void. But if needed, I could disable you and your cronies quicker than a hummingbird, on steroids, could flap its wings. A single flap!

I see weapon-like properties in everything. A blade of grass or even a breakfast bagel, for example. I could also disable you with my bare hands. With my eyes closed. And blindfolded. Upside down. FROM ONE HUNDRED METERS! (I also stick strickly to the metric system, doing my part to bring about universal harmony. And lately I have been pushing Kelvins, too.)

When I jump in a river I do not get wet. The river gets Shogun-ed.

I live, happily, outside the natural laws of physics.

I am destruction, rage, honor, glory and fury incarnate. …oh, and friendship.

Fizbo the Clown and pep talk

"Turns out that Fizbo the clown is a real bad@$$."

-Modern Family

Sometimes while feeling down I give myself a pep talk in the mirror and point out my good qualities.

"Bob, you may not be totally awesome at a lot of things, but always remember that you are one he** of a cartographer."