Get rid of those pesky speedboat speed bumps

Too many manatees ruining your summer fun? Those 'cows of the sea' spoiling your boat party? Well, say no more. Now, for just 15 small cents, you can clear the way with this state-of-the-art, handy dandy Manatee Eliminator 3000.

Waterways too packed with wakeboarders, surfers, and skiers? No problem. Make the water safe again with our special crowd control mode. Gain recognition and respect and maybe even a cool nickname like 'Monarch of the Sea' or 'The Beach Master.' The nickname possibilities are really quite limitless. And they better give you a good one or you'll go totally ME 3000 on their butts. No one will ever kick sand in your face again, especially none of those manatees.

(goggles not included)

(yes, we built this out of old garden tillers)

Dear Future,

Hello Future,

Yes, it's me. Listen, I'm not here to argue. I just want to talk and ask you one question. Just one. I hope it isn't a bother. Cause we both know how busy you are. Right now. At this particular moment. In the present. What's that? Oh, that's right, you are too lame to exist in the present. Pathetic. You disgust me. That's my problem with you. You are never there. Just like they say in that Cake song. Oh you don't know that one? That's right, it took place in the past, you jerk.

Here's my QUESTION!!! (that sentence just escalated to full on yelling). Why are you always so bleak? I mean, I've heard other people talk and say how 'bright' and 'fruitful' you are. But to me, you just look dark, empty, and BLEAK. And since we both know that it is you who obviously has the problem, I think you should be the one to fix it. I don't know, maybe fill yourself with good fortune, wealth, health, and happiness for once. I'm not saying you should change yourself completely. I mean, you do you. But maybe you could just try it on and see how it feels. And if you like it, keep it. I know a lot of us sorry souls would really appreciate it. And this isn't 'You Planet,' you know.

Thanks for nothing,

Bob (the annoyed)

It's a trap!

This makes me laugh and feel like a nerd. ...Chase that feeling.

Dear Future,

Hello Future,

It's me, Bob. You know, Bob Chestnut? From the past... ring any bells with you? (Oh yes, I know that you still have bells.) I know a lot about you and I dare say that I'm undeniably disappointed in you. First of all, what everyone is asking, where are all the FLYING CARS?!!! I mean we gave you all the time in the world and you still come up with nothing?! Then what good are you? Why do I even bother to waste my time dreaming about you?! Laying down every minute, one by one, in anticipation of your 'blessed' arrival?!!!

Next up, moon/mars colonies. Wow. Can I say that you really blew that one? We learned a valuable lesson in our couple of weeks on the red planet, "It's all fun and games until we run clean out of oxygen." I wonder how you're gonna explain that one when 'all is said and done.'

Last, for today, Robot Holocaust. How many movies, man? Hundreds! Literally hundreds. All of which had one "subtle" message, "STAY THE HE** AWAY FROM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!!!" Why couldn't you just listen?! Learn from the past, Future!!!

This is not respectfully submitted,

Bob

I can't take it anymore!

Occasionally I get very excited for a movie to come out that I have no intention of seeing. It happens when I get tired of seeing the preview over and over again to the point that I want to claw my eyeballs out.

Adrien Brody, what have you done?

How to churn butter ...in your mouth

Platinum and palladium can both be used as catalysts in chemical reactions. The reactions remove double bonds from mono- and poly-unsaturated fats. So, I wonder if someone with a platinum grill could experience this phenomenon in their mouth. Could an individual with a mouth full of metal put a spoon (normal metal) of olive oil in their pie hole (lined with platinum) and have it congeal into saturated butter before it’s even swallowed? I’m not sure, but yes.

Shogun's Syndrome - Tears or Acid Rain?

Shogun Syndrome is a complex disorder, thus it would be impossible to name every single characteristic. There is, however, one symptom that is definitely worth mentioning, the inability to produce tears. Actually, more correctly put, the absence of tear production. Many believe this to be due to malformed tear ducts and glands, but they are grossly mistaken. A Shogun's tear ducts, like every other physical, mental, and spiritual aspect of the Shogun, are developed to utmost perfection. In fact, a Shogun's glands would likely produce tears that are super concentrated, with either sadness or joy, that could fire out of their ducts at the velocity of 'feeling' and 'caring' (proposed to break the sound barrier) (We don't know though, because we've never seen a Shogun cry, not even for the sake of science). Thus concentrated, their tears would burn their enemies as if acid. So, simply put, it is not that they cannot cry, but rather that they choose not to. And it is for your own good. And mine.